How To Survive...
Church
This won’t apply to everyone but many people may find themselves making an annual or bi-annual visit to the House of God this Christmas. My first piece of advice is: do not bother trying to get out of it. The time spent explaining your new-found agnosticism/atheism/Judaism to your Mother will be as long as Mass itself.
Once at church it is perfectly acceptable to go to sleep; it just looks like really intense praying. At Christmas the priest is usually keen to wrap up proceedings fast so you could be out of there in under an hour. Last year the priest at my parent’s church indicated that he thought gay people and divorcees were not all bad so I am already excited about what he might give the ok this year.
Presents
I hate opening presents in front of people and so Christmas can be quite stressful for me. I am frequently told to ‘cheer up love’ by concerned builders because of my miserable face. This only makes it harder to force a rictus grin when confronted with a Toni Braxton album even though I have never so much as listened to a Toni Braxton song.
The method I use to overcome this is to channel a highly camp man when I open presents. Squealing ‘Oh my God, I love it’ and prancing around the room modelling the pyjamas or crushed velvet cloche hat will distract your confused family from the disappointment behind your eyes.
Television
The rule for enjoying television at Christmas is not to watch anything you have not either seen before or know to be suitable for children. Do not make the mistake of convincing your family to watch that great independent Romanian film you read about in Sight & Sound earlier in the year: there will be a sex scene in it. Stick to The Vicar of Dibley, people.
Even Hollywood cheese is not safe. Last Christmas my sister and I thought we would be ok settling down to watch The Notebook with our grandparents. Imagine my horror when we were suddenly confronted with a hugely incongruous sex scene.
It could only have been a couple of minutes but every sweaty second crawled by. The pressure of the experience was etched across our faces as we all suddenly pretended to be absorbed in other activities. The evening was ruined and we all made our excuses soon after. Consequently I have never seen the end of The Notebook so I have a lot of questions. Like, did they end up getting married and who were those old people at the beginning?
Drink
Drink can be the best thing or the worst thing about Christmas. Used in the right way it can help you glide through the holiday period in an enjoyable fug, only rising out of the stupor at brief intervals to pretend to be a gay man or switch off The Notebook.
Drink will probably be available to you throughout Christmas Day. A champagne breakfast followed by the blood of Christ at church; wine flowing throughout the day and liquors in the evening. It is very easy to find yourself crossing the line from acceptably tipsy to slurring. If you find yourself slurring that is the time to take a short nap and drink some water. If a nap is not possible just stop speaking and maybe top-up your 14 year-old cousin’s glass and pass the focus onto him.
Merry Christmas!
Image via BBC