Going to the gym is not something I look forward to. Heck, I don’t think it’s something anyone looks foward to. People’s motivation for going to the gym varies. Some go because they look forward to ripped abs and tiny, toned buttocks. I look forward to being able to eat a cheeseburber Happy Meal with an extra cheeseburger on the side with only half the guilt. To each their own.
However, one thing I’ve learned in the last five years I’ve spent being a member at three different gyms, is that there are universal rules when it comes to the gym. Many of these rules are broken left right and center.
If you’re a regular gym goer, this is for you. And if you a “maybe twice a week every six months” gym goer like me, this is for you, too. Because if more people followed these rules, I’d want to go a little more often.
The “We Get It, You Have a Toned Ass” Rule
When changing in the locker room, there is no need to strut around like a naked, gleaming turkey. We know that you live here. We know that you work out, like, ever day. Twice, nay, thrice a day! Do us all a favour and put your clothes on.
This rule also applies to those of you ladies who like to stand there in your birthday suit, and take approximately ten minutes to apply about 13 kinds of body lotion to your sinewy-frame. Congratulations on being well-maintained, well-moisturized, and your obsession with Spinning class. However, you're making the rest of us a bit sick.
Also, just because we could bounce quarters off your ass doesn't mean we're comfortable talking to you while you're naked. Perhaps ask about when yoga class is next week when your nipples are covered, yes?
The “Every Other Machine” Rule
When presented with a near empty gym, it is considered rude to go and use a machine right next to someone else, when there is plenty of room. Think of your gymnasium as a movie theatre. Would you go and sit directly next to someone you didn’t know if the theatre was empty? No, no you wouldn’t. Because that's creepy. So don't do it at the gym!
Another reason for this rule is that it helps prevent Competitive Rage taking over. There are people who like to stare at the monitor on your treadmill. They try to slyly see how fast you’re going, how far you’ve ran, how many calories you’ve burned and even what your incline is. And suddenly, they speed up.
Or, if they’re going faster/farther than you, they then instinctively stare at your love handles, which are pathetically bobbing up and down as you run, and then smile smugly and become slightly sexually aroused at how much physically superior they are to you. Or something.
The “Keep Your Testosterone to Yourself” Rule
I used to scoff at female only gyms, and when I noticed my gym had a “women only” section, I rolled my eyes. Sequestering women is not the answer, I sighed to myself.
But then I showed up to my gym directly after work on a Wednesday, and the place was so packed with avid gym goers, I almost turned around and walked out. The super-fit women in teeny-tiny Lycra Nike branded work out clothes didn’t bother me so much, but the grunting, spitting, sweating, GARARRRGGHHHHUUFFFUGH-ing men surrounding the gym with various weights and punching equiptment did.
There’s something about the gym that brings out this carnal, primal urge in men. Maybe it’s the sweat, maybe it’s the endorphins, or maybe it’s the fact that the gym is the only time or place they get to see real life women.
No matter the sweat, no matter the smell, if there’s a woman wearing anything other than sweatpants and a hoodie, and she’s working out, my god, she's free game for staring at.
And this is exactly why when I lift weights, I do so in the ladies area. So I can grunt and twist faces and stick my butt out to do some squats without a thousand creepy, stinky, Creatine-ridden eyes soaking it all in.
Now, of course every man in the gym isn’t like this. Of course you have the normal dudes who just do their thing and then leave. But during peak times, no matter if they’re running behind you on a treadmill or pumpin’ weights near you as you stretch – the staring and gawking is gross.
Do us all a favour, guys. Unless we’re in a bright pink Juicy Couture track suit with a full face of make-up and reading Heat while we slowly pretend to use the cross trainer - we’re probably there to work out. To get fit, run, walk, stretch, lift and sweat.
Not to have you salivating over how our ass fat flops around while we run.