His name is sketched into your calendar, and you might have already picked out the outfit. Or sectioned off some extra time to shop for one. Specific plans may or may not yet be arranged, but it's official -- you have a DATE. A first date.
Until you've been on several and have your routine down to the lipstick color, don't be too shocked if you feel the butterflies fluttering up in your belly, or beat yourself up because you spent two hours trying to look casually cute. It happens. And it's okay.
Hopefully, you have chatted with this person a bit already so meeting them doesn't feel like a total shot in the dark. It does make it slightly easier and more comfortable going into an otherwise blind situation knowing a little bit about what to expect. That said, every date will be different:
I've had a guy kiss me, on the lips and rather passionately, as our first greeting. (And yes, I kissed back.) On another first date, I had finished a glass of wine, on an empty stomach, before my date actually arrived...20 minutes late. Once, Grape Nuts came up within the first few minutes of conversation. Some dates last an hour -- some last five. You really cannot anticipate what will happen. So your open mind will help you delve deeper into the good dates and make light of the bad ones.
After about eight first dates over the course of a month, here are a few lessons I've learned -- some, the hard way:
*Choose your location and your activity wisely.
According to the vibe you have from your current interactions. Haven't really talked that much? Go for coffee or cocktails - something not quite as committed as a meal, but that can morph into more should things go well. Have you already hit it off via chat and email? Go for the meal, maybe with an extra-long wait (wink wink).
*Have a plan B, an exit strategy.
Maybe you want to do it Sex and the City style, and have a friend, waiting near a phone, ready for the its-a-really-bad-date signal -- a text, or a call, that informs her to call you back and tell you "something bad happened." Or just prepare an in-case-of-emergency-only excuse to be able to whip out at any time. My favorite? Some form of "I'm on deadline." I don't feel quite as bad using this one, because frankly, it's often true.
*Just be yourself.
Though this is occasionally easier said than done, it's truly the only way to go. Be clear and comfortable with who you are, and don't do or say what you think your date wants you to. If he doesn't like you for you, then he's definitely not worth the time and energy!
*Clarify your boundaries...
...ith yourself before you go out. Are you comfortable sleeping with someone on a first date? Do you want to be home at a specific time? Are you more comfortable broaching certain conversation topics on date 4, not date 1? Arrange these answers, purely with yourself, before you become engaged in what might be a boundary-distracting connection.
*Breathe. If the conversation isn't naturally flowing, it will probably make it worse to fill the air with nonsense, blabs, or mumbling. It's better just to smile, or take a sip (or swig...depending on how BAD the date is going...) of your beverage. Taking a breath and thinking before you say something hurriedly will help you refrain from saying anything you'd later regret. You don't want to hog the conversation by talking too much about yourself, either.
*People love to talk about themselves. So when you're really stuck, be genuinely inquisitive. Be interested without interrogating. But also, try not to forget to give him the space to ask you some questions in return! And if he doesn't ask you about you -- umm...huge red flag!
*The goodnight kiss: sometimes yes, sometimes no.
Unambiguous body language is key, here. Be clear about what you're emitting and in reading his. Usually, it's pretty obvious -- if it's mutual, you both lean in the right direction, and the magic happens. And when it's not mutual, it's also obvious. You don't want to kiss him goodnight? Don't get near the face! Going in for the hug instead? Clearly lean away from the cheek -- do not graze it! But don't base the quality or validity of the date on what happens before you part ways. You can still have an amazing time, express your interest in seeing each other again, and be on your way. Sans kiss.
So, like I said before, every date is different. Be ready for the extremes: for the nerds, for the narcissists, for the workaholics, for the adventurists & outdoor-a-holics ... and for the duds.
It's all about reference points. The more you acquire, the better equipped you are to be your own professional matchmaker.
Monique Scott is suddenly single and on the prowl. An Internet dating virgin and tired of meeting un-dateable men at bars and clubs, Monique is embarking on an adventure of virtual flirting, potentially awkward first dates, and shameless self promotion.
Monique dives head-first into the realm of creating and searching through profiles (oh the brief glimpses into others' heads and personalities!), how to approach that person who catches your eye and how to deal with the ones who don't. Good dates or good stories - oh my god, it's online dating...