No one really jumps at the opportunity to tell someone they’re “just not that into them.”
Consider this scenario: you’re dating two people at once, and naturally, you like them both but for different reasons. Perhaps your personality clicks insanely well with this one guy – providing you with witty banter, wrinkly lines outlining your lips because you’re always laughing together, and memorable dates all over town – but the physical attraction doesn’t compare to guy #2.
Because, with guy #2, who has openly admitted that he’s emotionally unavailable (hello! Red flag!), you have insatiable, it-feels-so-good-it’s-impossible-to-say-no chemistry...but no dating life. So you keep them both around, hoping that one will absorb the qualities of the other, until you truly recognize that neither are a good fit. (Can’t we just wrap them both into one?)
The feeling of being back at ground zero can be terrifying. Enough so that you’ll keep dating people for whom you know (even if only subconsciously) you are settling. But after a certain period of time, you have to be honest and clear with both yourself and your date.
Whether you’ve been on one date or seven, you must lay down the line when you realize that it’s really just not a match. And the longer you wait, the harder it becomes, because you’ve led them on, and also invested yourself in it (whether you recognize this or not), that much more.
Ugh. How?
Like I said previously, online dating has slightly different rules. And depending on your relations and habits with the person in question, it seems fair that you can cut ties any number of ways, including through the digital ether. If you talk more on the phone than you do online or in person, go for the phone break-off. But do you talk mainly on g-chat? Go for the IM break-off. Do you email several times a day? Email him his no-thank-you note.
You met and were introduced via the Internet, so breaking it off in the same way really isn’t all that taboo. Granted, every situation and connection is different. (If you never communicate online, you might want to think twice before doing it this way). No matter how you decide to do the deed, honesty is always the best policy.
Okay, maybe you don’t need to say “Frankly, you’re too stupid for me,” or “You just won’t shut-up, and to boot, your jaw line isn’t defined enough” – but do get the heart of the message across. Need a good one-liner to get you started? Try this:
I’m not feeling what I need to be feeling to …
…continue seeing you romantically.
…only ever meet you for coffee.
…keep sleeping over without ever going out in public together.
Fill in the blank and make edits as you feel is necessary and appropriate for the context of your connection.
Of course, connections and communication aren’t always perfect. There will be guys who you keep “forgetting” to call back. Some will catch the clue. Others may need the I’m not feeling line after their 7th screened call in a week.
There will also be people who “forget” to call you back—who don’t call, email, text or IM you ever again. It’s natural to muse on why. But don’t let yourself linger in that type of thought for too long. If you did this to a guy, wouldn’t it mean that you’re not interested? Right. So listen to the wisdom of which you are already the bearer, don’t take it personally, don’t become the topic of ‘that gal’ stories he tells to his friends, and move on.
Each mismatch brings you closer to the real thing. Don’t waste your time on the ones that aren’t right, and learn from what didn’t work to help you find the person that does!