We all have the same fairytale dream ending of our relationships; the big white wedding, settling down with a few furry four legged friends and 2.5 kids and living happily ever after in an easy, perfect blissful state of marriage. But what no one ever tells you on your big day is that marriage is something that you continuously need to work at and sometimes no matter how happy you are before the marriage after the ceremony is over the itch can set in once you are back to the normal routine of dirty pants being left on the bathroom floor, dirty dishes and bills to pay.
With the pressure put on married couples to live up to the perfect ideology plus the pressures of the real world is it any wonder that two in five British marriages end in divorce? Shockingly the highest rate in Europe, costing the British tax payer an estimated £15 billion a year.
Professor Charles Hill of Whittier College in Los Angeles analysed the relationships of 231 couples from a Boston college over a period of 25 years, and found that the five basic, almost simplistic, rules for achieving marital success are:
· Don't pick up people from bars
· Don't date anyone much prettier or uglier than yourself
· Choose someone your own age
· Try to go for someone of roughly the same intelligence
· Have sex often with this one partner
Professor Hill claims that those who followed these rules appeared most likely to have high self-esteem and a good and stable long relationship, long-term. Simple rules to follow but these may not suit every circumstance. Who is to say that couples with a large age gap or couples on different scales of what is deemed attractive can not make a success of their marriage?
When you say your vows you are proclaiming to the world that you are two people very much in love and are making a commitment for the rest of your life, but many of us may set foot into marriage with a blinkered view of what will entail after the confetti has vanished and the wedding dress has been boxed up? For the majority of us settling off along this path we are already living with our partners so we know all of their dirty little habits, annoying quirks and sordid little secrets but for many they assume that walking down the aisle suddenly diminishes these; that as soon as the ring is on all of the annoyances will disappear?
Far too many people look to the relationships of others, in the media or elsewhere, to compare their own to and then unnecessarily concern themselves that their relationship is falling short of what it’s supposed to be doing so to ether confirm, normalise or highlight their own marriage problems. I myself have been guilty of this.
What we all must remember is that there is no such things as a ‘perfect marriage’. If there is no such thing as a perfect person how can there be a marriage without problems, blips and quirks if marriage involves two ‘imperfect’ people? Answer: it can’t! Marriage is one of the most rewarding experiences two people can have, it binds you for life, but it, like so many other things in life, does not sail along smoothly without a certain degree of work, effort and understanding.
I bet most of us know of a marriage or in turn relationship that looks perfect to the outside world. They never seem to fight, they display affection like a couple of adolescence teenagers, they work together in perfect harmony and a glow of domestic bliss surrounds them. It’s not to assume that they aren’t deliriously happy but it would be a mistake to assume that what you see happens 24-7 and that they never have their ‘moments’.
We only need to look at Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston to see that even the strongest of couples go through testing times. To the outside world their marriage looked perfect; two of the world’s most beautiful people in a wedded state of matrimonial bliss but along the line things must have happened behind closed doors. Proof to us all that we really should not compare our marriage to that of others. What works for one couple may not work for another.
Another problem with comparing what you have to that of others is that it doesn’t take into account the individual differences in the personalities of those involved and their individual circumstances. When you compare your relationship to that of others you run the risk of loosing sight of all of the special qualities you and your partner have and all of the things that drew you together in the first place.
The reality is that all couples can experience periods of difficulty. Marriages can be hard work. If you are susceptible to feeling disappointed when your marriage isn’t seemingly perfect there are a few things you fundamentally must remember:
Marriage is a ‘nuts and bolts ‘ arrangement. The reality of marriage is that sometimes it's just a day to day grind; you may be tense, on edge, bored, not happy with the other one, or not feel so warm and fuzzy. It's not all about your feelings. It's about your commitment to one another. Whether or not you "feel" like you're in love, "feel" you're getting your needs met the reality is, you have sworn a vow to one another. A lot of the time, the reality is that marriage isn't romantic at all - it's about teamwork and getting the job done every single day.
Perhaps the best advice comes from author John Steinbeck who said
“A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it.”
We can all learn a lot if we sit back and enjoy the ride and understand that what works for some may not work for others but with a little understanding and patience we can ride the blips out.
Image via ChicagoGeek's Flickr