It is downright unacceptable to be a woman in America and not want children. I know this because every time I voice my dislike of children or my lack of desire to have them, I’m corrected. Perfect strangers tell me "you'll change your mind someday" and friends say "things will change when you find the right man". But would it really be so bad if things didn't change and I never wanted children?
Kids aren't that bad - really. There are quite a few children out there that I really like being around. But the majority of them behave badly and make loud noises in inappropriate public spaces.
If I say that, I'm told "oh things are different when you have your own children, those things don't bother you."
As if the only thing preventing me from reproducing thisverysecond was the fear that my child would be comparable to demonic spawn - or that I'd be a terrible parent like most young Americans. If it was that simple, I could delude myself into believing otherwise.
Doesn't that remind you of the scene in Sex and the City where Charlotte and Trey tell themselves “our kids will be different”, and Carrie narrates that is the lie every parent has to tell themselves?
But I'm not delusional, nor do I think I'd hate my own children.
If I say that I have better things to do with my life than raise another human being, I'm looked at with shock and terror. As if there is nothing worse than not wanting to devote your entire life (and a good chunk of your income) to carting children to and fro until they can take care of themselves.
If I say that I would rather adopt, people actually try to talk me into having my own kids. I think it takes a lot more gumption to adopt and raise a child you didn't give birth to than one that shot out of your vagina. People actually ask “why would you adopt if you can have your own?” They also say “well, you'll always want one of your own children, even if you adopt.”
Do I really need to tally all of the altruistic reasons to adopt? Perhaps my desire to actually help and raise a child without a family is greater than my selfish need to see a little mini me running around the world. And as far as biology is concerned, an adopted child is my child. Period. Genetics be damned.
Which brings me to my next logical reason for not wanting to breed: my family is a genetic disaster. Diabetes and all types of cancer on both sides, not to mention the fact that I only have one ovary. Is it so wrong of me to not want to bestow these genetic abnormalities on an unsuspecting child?
If I say that I believe children should have a stay-at-home parent for the first five years and I don't want to be that parent, people scoff. They say “what, do you really expect someone to want to be a stay-at-home dad?” Yes actually, I do. I think we let men believe they can't be good caretakers, and force women to think they're the only ones who can.
Not enough for you? I've got a few more reasons I could bounce your way...
But if you're not convinced by now that there’s nothing wrong with not wanting children, I'll never be able to make you believe that.
It bothers me that people question my reasoning behind not having children. It bothers me that people think I'm going to change my mind. But even more so, it bothers me that when people say they want to have children, nobody questions them.
Why is my choice constantly questioned? Wanting to have children was more complicated than not wanting to. So why aren't people questioning the choice to have children?
It should be a well thought out and planned thing (of course, accidents do happen). If you know you want children, you should organize all of the variables: financials, emotions, jobs, day care, insurance, everything. There should be more to wanting children than the burning desire to hold something you created in your hands or that you've always wanted to be a parent.
What I want to know is if those people who want children ever honestly looked at their lives and thought about not having children. I've thought about it, and still, no matter my response, I'm questioned.
Why is not wanting children so questionable and wanting them so acceptable?
Image from Getty.