Toxic friends. Everyone has at least one of these.  The person in your life who is always embroiled in drama, the complainer, that friend who goes out of their way to passively aggressively make you feel like a bad friend or person.

Though it is counterintuitive, most of us have problems cutting people like this loose from our lives.  Maybe it's because it makes us feel like we're being judgmental or harsh; because maybe somewhere deep in our hearts we think that there is truth in what that friend is communicating to us.  Frankly, though, the truly toxic person relies upon the kindness of others in order to fuel their own dysfunction.  Truth is: you are not a bad friend, you are not being judgmental or harsh.  Simply you are perceiving this person's behavior as it actually is.

Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for yourself is to end your relationship with that person.  However, if you're not comfortable with that option, then there is a bag full of tricks you can use to "decontaminate" that friend so you are not personally affected by their behavior.

 Step One: Realize that the only person's behavior you can control is your own.

This is a big deal.  So many people walk through their lives making excuses for friends and family members who behave badly.  Or, thinking that they are the "one who can change" that person.  This mentality is often present in bad romantic relationships - one partner thinking that if they can just get through to the other who is treating them poorly or abusively that they can "turn it around."  It also extends to familial relationships and friendships.

As much as we all wish that this was true, that the positive influence of a caring person could stop someone from behaving like a horse's ass, it is essential to understand that it cannot.  The plain and simple truth is that the only person who's behavior and/or reactions you can control are your own.  Once you realize this important lesson you're half way through the battle of decontaminating those toxic friends.

Step Two: Determine what type of toxic friend you're dealing with.

In her book, "Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape," Marsha Petrie Sue identifies seven types of toxic individuals you may encounter: Doesn't Work Well With Others, The Steamroller, The Zipper Lip, The Backstabber, The Know-It-All, The Needy Weenie and The Whine and Cheeser.

Sue's clever title assignations for these toxic individuals should basically indicate what kind of behavior is typical for these people; however, it is absolutely worth reading this book to gain deeper insight as to how these people behave and more importantly why they behave as they do.  Once you have a basic understanding of the psychology that goes with the type of toxic person you're dealing, you are much better equipped to disarm their frustrating and toxic behavior when interacting with them.

Step Three: Memorize some key phrases.

One of the most common tactics of the toxic friend is that they will try to turn their personal problem into your problem.  You can disarm them and prevent this by using language which turns the conversation back towards them and how they are going to solve their own problem.

Perhaps your friend is complaining about a situation at work - it might even be something valid - however, instead of getting embroiled in a conversation where you give constructive advice which they complain "won't work" you can simply say, "Wow, that sounds frustrating.  What do you plan to do about it?"  If they do not supply you with an answer and continue to push you to engage in a toxic conversation just keep repeating that phrase, "What do you plan to do about it?" 

Eventually even the most dense individual will get the hint that their problems are their own and they cannot  count on people to fix their problems for them... Or, that if they solicit advice they should listen to it, process it and not dismiss it out of hand (as is such the behavior of a toxic friend,) otherwise advice will not be forthcoming in the future.

Then there is the friend who constantly berates you about how awful a person you are or how the choices you make in your life are wrong.  First, this is unacceptable - judgment of one's friends should be kept to one's self unless an opinion is asked for.  However, if you have one of those friends who likes to tell you how shitty you are (and, we all do) the best and most effective way to shut them down is to say "I'm really sorry you feel that way."  Then walk away or change the subject to something else.

Step Four: Recognize when it's time to say goodbye

There may come a point in your life when you have to end a friendship because it is not healthy for you to continue to interact with that person.  This is always a sad thing; but, for your own health and sanity you have to learn to recognize when it's necessary.

There are many ways you can do this: email, phone call - you can just stop talking to the person.  The best way to do this, though, is in person.  Invite the person to coffee or lunch.  Before meeting them think about why it is you don't want them in your life anymore and figure out how to phrase it in non-judgmental ways.  Using "I Statements"  - a statement used to be assertive without putting the listener on the defensive.  Let the friend know how their behavior makes you feel, "Bob, I feel upset when you ask me for advice and then tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about."

Be clear and assertive.  Let the individual know that you do care about them; but, don't feel like you can be involved in a friendship with them any longer.  Give the person a chance to respond, they may not even be aware of their behavior and the idea of losing a friend might give them impetus to think about their own behavior.  If the conversation turns towards the negative cut it off and walk away.

Step Five: How to deal with seeing that person in the future

Depending on the nature of how the toxic friend has made you feel; and, how you ended the friendship, there are a couple of ways to handle this.  Taking the "high road" and being polite and civil in social situations is clearly the preferable route to go.  If you feel like that isn't possible then just do not interact with the individual at all beyond saying "hello, nice to see you" then walking away to join another conversation.

In conclusion, these are constructive tools to deal with toxic friends; but, just remember the thesis of this article is the only person who's behavior you can control is your own and you will be able to navigate these unpleasant situations with grace and maturity.