There’s nothing quite like the first bloom of love. Even the simple act of him buying you a diet coke and a box of Milk Duds at the cinema makes you want to scream at the top of your lungs: ”SET THE DATE! SET THE DATE!”.
You meet his friends, spend weekends doing romantic things like have picnics in the park and may even be so infatuated that you do something as horrifying as massage each other’s hands on the subway while gazing into each other’s eyes. Basically, you make everyone around you feel slightly nauseated, much like the feeling they get after eating some bad shellfish down at the local taco shack.
You’re shameless in your public displays of affection. He’s the one, right? There isn’t much that can rain on your parade as much as an ex-girlfriend that’s still in his life. But what if she’s a very good friend and always seems to be around? There are ways to cope that don’t involve voodoo dolls, intermediate-level internet stalking and generally behaving like a loose screw.
How you feel about his close relationship with his ex-girlfriend depends on many factors. You may be fine with it if you also still hang out with your ex-boyfriend and call him “homeslice” while high-fiving him over jello shots down at the pub. If you have a lot of close male friends, you also might be perfectly fine with him still being close with his ex. Things get more complicated if you’re a girl’s girl - you only have close female friends and your own ex-boyfriends are relegated to the same compartment of your life reserved for bad perms and the time you were thrown out of the karaoke bar for disorderly behaviour. Dark memories indeed.
It’s not that all of your relationships ended badly or you have any ill-will towards your exes - you just believe that old boyfriends should stay in the past. Nothing wrong with being friendly but in all senses of the word - they are not a part of your life. In the classic 1980s romantic comedy, When Harry Met Sally, Billy Crystal asks - can men and women really be just friends? Particularly if they used to date? Despite your own views about this, it’s important to keep your cool if you find yourself in the awkward situation of having to socialize with your new boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend.
Do not freak out
It may sound obvious when I say this but it’s very easy to fly off the handle when he first brings her up or brings up the idea of you two meeting each other. No matter what, try and keep your cool and act like a mature adult about it. One meeting won’t kill you and you never know, she might be nice! It certainly doesn’t mean you have to be friends with her. Just do whatever you can to be yourself and not over the top. Don’t act super fake, just be normal. You don’t have to be cool with it but if she is a genuinely nice person who is a part of your boyfriend’s life, you might have to just accept this or move on. If she’s not a nice person, that’s an entirely different story.
Even if the meeting doesn’t go well, keep your cool!
What if you met her and she was openly rude to you? Try not to get angry. This might actually be a good thing. If the whole situation made you uncomfortable in the first place, this might be a good way for your boyfriend to see that there is something wrong here. It’s impossible to generalize but if his ex is rude to you then something is obviously amiss. If there was nothing between them, she should be able to at least be civil to you. If she’s a good friend to your ex, she would make the effort to be friendly right? In the face of the cold shoulder she gives to you, just continue to act normal and do not stoop to the same level. Be polite, smile and go on your merry way. At the end of the day, it’s not your problem if she has any kind of issue with you.. And your boyfriend should question why she can’t bring herself to be civil to you.
Do not internet stalk her
Honestly, the less you know about her the better. It’s not necessary to cyber-stalk, nor is it healthy. Resist the urge to dig around on Facebook or pump any mutual friends for information. Why do you want to know? It really doesn’t make a difference to your situation - if your boyfriend wanted to be with her then he would. You have to trust that he doesn’t and take his word for it sometimes.
The more you know about her, the more of a problem you will have. The more distance you have the easier it will be to see her as a casual acquaintance, someone you might see occasionally but who has zero hold over your current relationship. If you can’t seem to peel your paws off of Facebook stalking then deactivate your account. It’s only a huge problem if you make it into one. Make your feelings about the situation known to your boyfriend and work through it. It’s between you and him and has nothing to do with her.
Be clear about what you’re comfortable with
Dating advice and self-help books seem to be obsessed with telling women to “play it cool”, act non-chalant and be the “cool” girlfriend who doesn’t mind if her boyfriend regularly sleeps over at his ex-girlfriend’s house. This is awful advice and only tries to force women to act like a doormat just to keep a man.
If your boyfriend is doing things that make you uncomfortable, be vocal about it. Even if to him it’s completely innocent, it doesn’t mean you have to be ok with him going to Mexico with her and their mutual friends. It’s not just about trust, it’s about respect. You don’t have to flip out but just talk about it in a mature way. If you’re not okay with him sleeping over at her house whenever it’s “too late to go home”, make this known immediately. If it makes you uncomfortable that he talks to her about your relationship, don’t be afraid to make this clear. He’s not the right guy for you if doesn’t respect your wishes or finds them unreasonable. Only you know what you’re comfortable with - if you don’t stick to your guns you’ll end up very unhappy in the long run.
Image © When Harry Met Sally, 1989 Castle Rock Entertainment