Just when we thought the beauty industry couldn’t sell us anymore crap we don’t need, some helpful soul has dreamt up foot fish spas. That’s right, spas where fish eat your feet. I am not even shitting with you.
Apparently the little fish things eat all the dead skin but they leave the healthy bits, so don't be afraid. They’re already popular in the Far East where they’re good for dealing with some skin conditions, as well as being used to make feet pretty and pedicured.
Also in the pipeline for women who aren’t perfect enough:
Acid spas!
For those who don’t like their face, careful application of tiny amounts of strong acid can dissolve away that big chin. It’s perfectly safe, as long as someone with three months of training does it. You can take pictures of Cheryl Cole in and ask to have your face dissolved to look like hers, which I am doing as a special birthday present to myself.
Leech spas!
For anyone who has wobbly bits (ie, ALL OF YOU) special Brazilian leeches have been trained to suck out fat. Only a bit painful, and only a bit terrifying. Again the leeches need careful application by a trained professional, so don’t buy them off the internet or anything because then you’d just be fucking stupid.
Inject poison into your face!
If you’re disgusting enough to actually look your age, there’s no need to worry. You can inject a special poison into your face that erases all trace of experience, emotion, intellect or personality. Which is really cool because I hate all that boring stuff, who wants to be able to laugh when you could look like Amanda Holden?
And if you’re revolting enough to actually sweat, you can inject the same poison into your armpits and it inhibits the sweat glands or something. How amazing is that?! I hate sweating! All the celebs do it on the red carpet, and where those brave soldiers of beauty go, I follow. I’m going to start injecting poison EVERYWHERE.
Mutilate yourselves!
Boobs not big enough? Labia too, um, dangly or something? Chop them up a bit. The human body was meant for improvement and extremely rich male plastic surgeons have spent years learning how to improve us. You wouldn’t want to waste their time. Fuck it, why not have ten different things done in one day? There are probably ten bits you need to cut up, if you really think about it. If anyone’s stuck just ask Heidi Montag for inspiration, she knows exactly what she’s doing.
You’re almost *definitely* too pale
Especially if you’re from the northern hemisphere where it’s cold and there’s less sun and stuff so we’ve evolved to be white (so unnatural). The only option is to roast yourself in a purpose-build human oven, because it will make you tanned and healthy like Lauren from The Hills. Do it three times a day, at least – the cancer thing is just a rumour.
Saggy face?
Once your face gets too saggy, probably around the age of 32, doctors can now slice the skin around the edge and stretch it back. I know, I know, you think it’ll make you look insane, but you’re wrong. Anyway it’s better to look insane than old.
If anyone would like to pay good money to have their feet nibbled by fish, the spa will be opening at Meadowhall Shopping Centre in Sheffield.