I didn’t think I’d have to deal with this only four and a half months into my pregnancy. After all, at least two shop assistants (we’re on the stroller round) have told me I “don’t look pregnant yet” and even my mother kindly pointed out there was probably “more tummy than baby”. But it turns out babies come with built in hand magnets.
I expected this when I got a more impressive bump, because there is something inherently tempting about the smooth dome of a pregnant tum. Especially as there’s a chance of feeling a bouncy kick. As my husband commented just this morning “there’s something growing in there and that’s cool, and kind of creepy”. As it turns out ,the mere knowledge that there’s something brewing in your belly draws people’s hands to your midriff like ants swarm over spilled sugar.
Luckily, so far it’s been family and some of them have even asked nicely. Still, that hasn’t stopped me compiling a steady list of rebuttals for the inevitable outstretched palms that I probably won’t be brave enough to use but will have for that esprit de l’escalier moment after the inevitable stomach fondling.
Here are my favourites so far, but please feel free to add your own in the comments:
“Have you seen Alien? You might not want to leave your hands there.”
“Boots does excellent hand warmers, you know.”
…*fakes orgasm*…
“Ah, the laying on of hands. The priest already tried an exorcism, but I think we’re stuck with little Damien now.”
“Oh my God… it just stopped kicking… what have you done?!”
(Putting hands on their stomach in response) “Weird. Why is yours all squishy?”
“Don’t touch that! The fuse is a bit… oversensitive…” (Complete with thousand yard stare).
Image via Danny McL's Flickr