Gwyneth Paltrow has started up her own lifestyle website called GOOP. What the fuck is GOOP, you ask yourself? We don't know. (Or care.) It's quite the irritating conundrum.
Gwynnie rambles on about how "GOOP is a little bit of everything that makes up my life", but whether she's referring to some new age acronym or just the name of the website, we're not sure.
In our minds, GOOP is some fantastical term that Gwyneth came up with one evening while drinking boxed wine with Oprah and Madonna. You know, like GOOP might be the love child of an "Aha Moment" and some super secret Yoga move invented by whoever sculpted Madonna's man-arms..
However, we get the feeling it's a word that came to Gwyneth in a moment of medicated meditation, which is probably the same way she came up with the names of her children.
But anyway, I digress.
GOOP is composed of of six different sections, including Make, Go, Get, Do, Be, and See and is apparently going to help us become fucking perfect, just like Gwyneth. And, I suppose if you can manage to read through Gwyneth's bowel-moving copy without retching, you're already half-way there.
Gwyneth explains in a brief but highly inspirational message to her desciples how GOOP can help enrich and enGOOP your life. She says:
"My life is good because I'm not passive about it.
Make your life good....
Cook a meal for someone you love. Pause before reacting. Clean out your space. Read something beautiful. Don't be lazy. Work out and stick with it. GOOP. Make it great."
Maybe this passage wouldn't have me running for the toilet if it were written by Oprah or even Elizabeth Gilbert - or, I dunno, someone I see as an actual lifestyle guru. But Gwyneth Paltrow?
Look, my little Gwynster. I like your movies and appreciate that you love a good Guinness. But! Having you tell me to clean out my space and to not be lazy and explain why your life is "so good" without even so much as acknowledging that just perhaps your life rocks so hard because you were born a privileged, rich white girl who grew up to be an overpaid actress who then married an overpaid rock star is poppycock!
Yes, Gwyneth, poppycock. I went there.
I don't know what suddenly brought on the Eat Pray Love / I Am A Spiritual Goddess acid trip Gwyneth is on, but I'm not a fan. I mean, I just really just want to know what was going through Gwyneth's mind when she came up with this whole "Nourish The Inner Aspect", GOOP crap. Wait...actually, I know exactly what she's thinking:
"God, you know what? I really want to help women nourish their inner aspect. On the Internet. I mean, I've been through so many hard times in my life that I really feel that women all over the world will be able to connect with my inner spirit...
The very same inner spirit that, in one lifetime, has not only had sex with Brad Pitt and Ben Affleck - but has also had to learn how to balance my daily yoga routine with taking care of my kids for a whole two hours before I ship them off to the Nanny. Oh, and my foodie trips to Spain."
And there you have it, folks. Gwyneth Paltrow's inner voice. (And spirit.)